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Saturday, September 18, 2021

ASK ALMA: You dirty low down…

Dear Alma,
I’m starting to feel used. When I go out with the woman I’m seeing, she never offers to pay. She orders drinks and appetizers and extras like there’s no tomorrow, and when the bill comes, it just lies there on the table like a dead rat until I reach over and pick it up. Never once has this woman so much as offered to split the cost of our excursions. All the while, she has plenty of cash for clothes, cars and travel. Since I’m married and this woman is not my wife, my friends say I should pay the restaurant tabs and be quiet – a small price, they say, for easy, mind-blowing sex. I simply can’t take it any more, and it annoys me to no end. How do I tell this woman I’m not her sugar daddy?

***

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I’m sorry. I was distracted by my head spinning and the slimy green liquid spewing from my mouth!

What? Not her sugar daddy, you say. Then what you got to offer?

This hollow effort to mix common sense with common behavior reminds me of a quote: “Some people feel the rain, while others just get wet.” You, my friend, spit and say it’s raining. Hold up while I grab an umbrella, cause I’m not falling for it.

So, you’re married and your sidepiece won’t fork over any quarters toward the meal, and you want to know how you should approach this subject. Really!?

My advice is that you listen to your so-called friends, who should be telling you something else, but that’s another question for another Friday.

Considering the cost of your infidelity, which could include the ending of your marriage, disloyalty to your wife, children and family and the loss of trust, honesty, commitment and integrity . . . well, lets just stop here. When you add it all up, her meal is a minor inconvenience.

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Until you start paying her rent, I’m sure she feels entitled to a great meal. That’s the very least you can do. Not to mention the fact that a meal is about all you can commit to at this point.

Don’t flatter yourself; you’re not sugar daddy material. That’s why we’re having this conversation. Don’t mis-read her need to satisfy her hunger, Mr. Leroy Brown, baddest man in the whole damn town. She knows what she’s doing. What’s mind-blowing to you doesn’t sound like it’s all that mind-blowing to her. If your groove were that smooth, she wouldn’t be interested in eating that much before getting her party started. I’m just sayin’!  

We do agree on one thing: I, too, see a rat in this scenario, but it ain’t laying on the table.

*****

“The Best of ASK ALMA” by Alma Gill. Alma’s newsroom experience spans more than 25 years, including various roles at USA Today, Newsday and the Washington Post. Email questions to: alwaysaskalma@gmail.com. Follow her on Facebook at “Ask Alma” and twitter @almaaskalma.

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