COMMENTARY: Believe It or So What: Why Norbert Ulysses Theodore Smith Is Running for President

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Guest columnist

Everybody has a Norbert Ulysses T. Smith in their lives. He is the guy that has an opinion on everything but is unusually wrong even more. He gambles on every sporting event and loses. And he never pays off. He will avoid you for weeks or until he believes you have forgotten the bet or you don’t stay angry waiting to be paid on a two-dollar bet. 

By G.L. Tyler, Guest Columnist

Norbert has predicted the winners of all elections the day after the votes were counted. He says he has friends all over the political spectrum. He can call the mayor, the governor, and your local city councilman because he was instrumental in “getting them elected and they owe me.”

“I have the mayor’s cell number because I did that that thing for him,” he would confidently add. Of course, when you inquired about that “thing”, it was always too sensitive for him to repeat.

His children were always the best. “Norbert Junior worked on creating the Covid vaccine, but he did not get the credit,” he would boast at the barber shop.

His daughter, Norberita, was his pride and joy. “She has the voice of an angel,” he would brag. “She was better than Beyonce and Aretha combined. The only reason she’s not more successful is because of the corruption in the recording industry. Next year is her year. She’ll be singing at one of my inaugural balls.”

I must admit his political platform was different. If elected, he proposed some new ideas including:

  1. A chicken in every pot and fried pies for everyone;
  2. Eliminating police brutality by making police buy their own bullets;
  3. Outlawing medical insurance for all, rich or poor. All citizens must rely on their grandma’s remedies. Amputations would be the only exception;
  4. Ending all foreign aid for nations spelled with more than two vowels;
  5. Eliminating affirmative action and college legacy admissions;

His platform got attention in some interesting political circles. The Calvin Coolidge Reform Club and The Richard Nixon Innocence Project were considering his candidacy.  Politicians did not want to debate him. His rallies were well attended because he offered fast food coupons when you entered the political hall.

“I love this country because, every man, woman and child have a chance for success,” he said repeatedly.

“All you must do is follow your dreams like me. After I’m elected, I’ll establish a real legacy for people to follow. I am going to order the Energy Department, without congressional approval, to scrape pigeon poop off cars as a new renewal energy source. Tell me the politician who had that idea before me. And you know, little dictators are in vogue now.”

If elected, we’ll just call him President N.U.T.S.

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