My grandmother, Lucille “Big Mama” Allen (1906–2003), understood something about money and emotions long before anybody called it financial literacy. Big Mama raised generations with faith, common sense, and the kind of wisdom that could stop you in your tracks. I can almost hear her from the porch saying, “Baby, don’t spend your money on your feelings.” I understand that lesson differently today. Recently, I had a front-row seat as a close friend, and his family planned the homegoing of someone they deeply loved.
By Terry Allen, Texas Metro News
Special to the Orlando Advocate
I wasn’t hearing about it secondhand. I was close enough to witness the conversations, decisions, and dollars firsthand. What I saw taught me how quickly grief, guilt, and glory can become expensive. When somebody you love dies, you are not walking into a funeral home as an ordinary consumer. You are hurting. You want to honor your loved one. You want everything to be beautiful. Most of all, you want to make sure you have done enough. That is when wants can begin masquerading as needs.
And that is exactly when somebody must remain financially awake. Funeral professionals provide an important and necessary service. Families need their expertise during one of life’s most difficult moments. But there is a difference between helping grieving people make informed decisions and selling to people whose emotions have made them vulnerable.
Sales trickery is not sales support. What concerned me most was watching how knowledge of relationships, emotions, and available financial resources could influence the conversation about services. That information should help professionals serve a family better—not become an opportunity to sell them more. From what I witnessed firsthand, my friend’s family paid more for the funeral than they should have. I don’t say that to point fingers at anyone in that family. Grief affects everybody differently.
Some people become quiet. Some want to do everything. Others may believe spending more is somehow evidence that they loved more. My lesson is about becoming a wiser consumer when our emotions are at their highest. Big Mama would have reminded me, “Separate your needs from your wants. Everything you want, you don’t necessarily need.” That means we have to STOP before we spend.
S means separate needs from wants. T means total every expense before agreeing. O means obtain options and ask what can be removed. And P means protect the family budget. Ask for an itemized price list. Compare providers when time permits. Bring someone into the conversation who can think clearly about money. Establish a spending ceiling before discussing upgrades. And never allow the question, “What would your loved one have wanted?” to become a sales closing technique.
Because grief can make us believe that the price of the funeral somehow represents the value of the life. It doesn’t. Black history offers some sobering reminders that fame, earning money, and financial security are not the same thing. Jazz legend Billie Holiday reportedly died with only 70 cents in the bank, and another person ultimately paid for her funeral.
Legendary entertainer Bill “Bojangles” Robinson, once among America’s highest-paid Black performers, earned extraordinary sums during his career yet died nearly penniless; friend Ed Sullivan reportedly helped cover his funeral. Literary giant Zora Neale Hurston died with so little that friends and neighbors collected money for her funeral, and she was initially buried in an unmarked grave.
Think about that. These were people whose talent enriched American culture, yet their final days remind us of something Big Mama already understood: You can have glory without having financial security. That’s why conversations about money, preparation, and final wishes need to happen while we are living—not be left entirely to grieving people after we are gone.
A casket cannot measure love. Flowers cannot measure sacrifice. A limousine cannot measure memories. And the size of a funeral bill certainly cannot measure somebody’s importance. A beautiful homegoing does not require an ugly financial aftermath. Proverbs 21:5 reminds us, “The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance.”
Big Mama taught us to give people their flowers while they can smell them. That may be the greatest financial lesson of all. Love people while they are here. Celebrate them while they can hear you. Honor them with your presence, your time, and your actions.
And when that difficult day comes, send them home with dignity, love and celebration. But don’t send your financial security with them. And when that difficult day comes, send them home with dignity, love and celebration. But don’t send your financial security with them.
Terry Allen is an NABJ award-winning Journalist, DEI expert, PR professional, and Vice President at FocusPR, founder of the charity City Men Cook, and Dallas Chapter President of NBPRS.org
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